just because

I am supposed to be studying for my art history midterm right now but I am just feeling a little overhwhelmed by it right now so I figured that probably the best thing to do is to waste time ranting about my lack of motivation. Woot! I don't know why something like this really even matters at all. The stress I feel right now is not something that will soon be forgotten, nor do I even want it to remain as a memory.....and most people could care less what the heck I am talking about right now so why I am writing about it on my blog...yeah I don't really have a reason. But nonetheless I feel the need to write it...hmmm. Let's see what I can talk about. I planned to wake up at 8:30 well I actually got up at 9:30 Let's face it I am a sleep whore. I can't go without my 8 hours. So since I went to bed at 1:30 it only made sense. It was a good decision because now I feel pretty much wide awake. My brain is kinda tired though from studying. I am seriously mentally exhausted and it is only Tuesday and boy do I have sooo much more to do still. Like tonight I have online math hw that I have no clue how to do and the math lab will be closed. Oh and I have a New Testament quiz that I need to take sometime today which I have yet to study for. Can you tell things are piling up?? Well at least in a few hours this will be over with and my calc midterm is finally done so that makes me feel a little better about life. I have this problem (as evidenced by this blog post) where I get so stressed out I become apathetic. I also have some clouded judgement or something...like I can't really understand the consequences of this apathy until the next day and then I think well that was stupid. Life is a learning experience though. And I would like to say I have become a little better at not procrastinating....yet here we are. Well anyway after I woke up I washed my face and then I started to the studying. It is going ok. I feel like I will do a decent job on the essays….let’s hope. Well I just ate breakfast a little bit ago too. I had me some chocolate milk and some toast with butter and jam. Oh so yummy. I am listening to Dreaming With a Broken Heart. Amazing song. I am proud to say though that this is no longer my theme song. And now I am listening to Lovely by Sara Haze. I think this will become my new theme song. Last night my FHE group made a music video to Ridin’ Solo. It was really fun. We dressed all gangster and yeah that’s really all you need to know. Now it is 12 and I promised myself I would stop this when the time came. The end.

plans

I have been thinking a lot lately about planning. You know making plans, plans falling through, attempting to make plans and so on. I realize that in my mortal and imperfect state I am terrible at making plans. I can only think about the right now. Me and Hay decided that we are going to start setting goals to improve ourselves but even here I set a goal accomplish it and then don't really think much more about it after that. I don't even really know if I appreciate what I have learned. Even long term goals aren't that forward looking into the future. For example me having a 2 year gym membership. I use it. I try hard and I do it because I know in the back of my mind I want to improve myself....but it's not like every time I am working out I think about my health or how I will have improved by the end of the year.

I guess the reason for this is that I can't really imagine what my future will be like, and thinking about it kinda scares me. There is a problem with planning though. No matter how much you want something to work out, or how long you plan on it...it doesn't always work out. It is at times like these when I feel like things aren't working out that I remember that it's just not working out the way I want it to, but it IS working out the way it is SUPPOSED to. I am a lucky girl to have my own personal planner. Someone who can see the end from the beginning and teach me through patience how to get to that end.

Confusion:

–noun
1.the act of confusing.
2.the state of being confused.
3.disorder; upheaval; tumult; chaos: The army retreated in confusion.
4.lack of clearness or distinctness: a confusion in his mind between right and wrong.
5.perplexity; bewilderment: The more difficult questions left us in complete confusion.
6.embarrassment or abashment: He blushed in confusion.
7.Psychiatry . a disturbed mental state; disorientation.
8.Archaic . defeat, overthrow, or ruin.

I turned to the dictionary because I thought maybe it would help me figure out my feelings....I choose non of the above. Humf.

Wonderful

So I don't really know what I am going to write about but I just feel like I need to update my blog. There are lots of things going on in my life right now....but I don't know how I feel about sharing them on the internet. Well and this is where the problem begins because now I feel like I have nothing to share. I guess I will just talk about some interesting/not interesting things as of lately:

1. I learned how to properly cuddle with my roommate Nicole....we fell off the couch and I got super stuck and couldn't get up.
2. There is a kid in my calc class that is a geology major named Doug. Robin told me that she met a Doug in the geology major and I remembered this. I asked him today if he knew my friends....he looked at me like an idiot and I was like you live in Bountiful Courts right...he was like uh no. Turns out there are 2 Dougs in the geology major...random.
3. Our sink exploded on Saturday and we had a nasty plethora of dishes and food. It was awful. Our apartment has thus gathered many flies. It is so annoying. They are seriously everywhere.
4. I want to go pick up my ring today. I got a new CTR ring since my last one (that I had since 7th grade) was lost in the depths of La Jolla cove while snorkeling. I bought just a band and I am having it engraved. It was supposed to be finished on Monday so I hope it is done!
5. Tonight is Vampire Diaries. The season started last week and it is already so intense. I can't handle myself. Speaking of good television, Chuck, Glee and Modern Family come back next week and I could not be more stoked!
6. I have had like no hw this week. It's so wonderful but kinda super boring all at the same time. I guess it's just a little gift because next week is going to be death. Art history paper, calc midterm....list goes on.
7. My favorite songs right now are Wonderful by Annie Lenox, Dreaming With a Broken Heart by John Mayer and Evacuate the Dancefloor by Cascada!

So although things seem like they have been pretty boring lately, I mostly feel like it's because things have just been really really good. This semester is definitely my semester. Like I said one of my favorite songs is Wonderful and I love listening to it because that is just how I feel! SO FREAKING WONDERFUL!

my life the calculus problem

So if I were one of those lamos who doesn't really understand what a testimony is I would bear a testimony at the pulpit about calculus...and it would go something like this:

My life, and life in general is like a calculus problem.

It is something I work at all day every day and at the end of every day I feel like I could never grasp the concepts I am supposed to be learning.

There are problems that are easy,then there are ones that have an answer but may take you a whole semester to figure out.

There are problems that you have to ask for help.

You may have to start learning and trying something new before you're ready.

It can take 15 tries before you finally solve a problem correctly.

You can use one method on one problem but not necessarily on the next.

It gives you a headache.

It stresses you out.

It's not all bad though. First of all you have a teacher that knows all the answers to your questions before you even ask. You have TAs that are like angels willing to help you. You can find comfort in the math lab. You have parents that know the answer. When you make a mistake you can learn from it. You can start over! It helps you to learn how to do hard things, and teaches you about the joy of success and knowledge.

That's my little testimony analogy. I actually thought it was pretty great. I have been thinking about the whole analogy a lot lately. About the Atonement and the plan that my Heavenly Father has for me. I realize that even when life feels hard or even like it's not possible to move on, I can take comfort in the fact that he knows the answer. He knows the best way to show me how to solve my problem. He knows that I am trying really hard and he has given me lots of resources to be successful, like the Book of Mormon, personal prayer, family and friends. He understands that I don't always understand and he lets me make mistakes and start over. He never lets me give up. I love him for that.

I can also take comfort in the fact that like all of my trials, calculus will eventually be over.

dreams

There are so many new and wonderful and crazy things happening recently. Sometimes I wonder if the life I am living is actually real, if it is even my life. Sometimes it feels like a dream even when I know it is my reality. I am not one to have dreams that often but when I do have them every once in a while they seem so real when I wake up I sometimes wonder if they happened. A lot of the time I wish they had.

Then there are those dreams that I secretly wish would have happened or want to happen, just because I assume it is my subconscious trying to tell me how I really feel. And it is those dreams, the "would-be reality" dreams, that feel more like nightmares. Sometimes I wake up after what was a perfect dream and I just feel completely sick to my stomach.

The reason i am writing about this is because the past 5 months I have been having lots of those mornings where I step into my reality each morning feeling a lot like puking my guts out. Disgusting I know, but nevertheless very true. I try not to think too much about what these dreams mean. I know they probably mean nothing. I still can't help but wonder why the beautiful nightmares though. There is a Feist song that reminds me of this situation. It's called "The Park" and it goes like this:

Why should he come back through the park?
You thought that you saw him but no you did not
It's not him who'd come across
The sea to surprise you
Not him who would know
Where in London to find you

With sadness so real that it populates
The city and leaves you homeless again
Steam from the cup and snow on the path
The seasons have changed from present to past

The past
The past
Turns whole to half
The past

Why should he come back through the park?
You thought that you saw him but no you did not
Who can be sure of anything through
The distance that keeps you
From knowing the truth

Why would you think your boy could become
The man who could make you sure he was the one?

The one
My one
My one

tomatoE

The night time is always an interesting time in mine and Brynn's room. We get what you could call a little crazy and giddy. It's as if we're 10 all over again, having a slumber party at Brynn's house and I am laying next to her in the trundle bed in the purple with blue and green polka dot room. Well last night Brynn suggested that we say random words instead of saying "goodnight" right before we go to bed. you can only imagine how this went considering that we're already pretty hyper, and maybe a little sleep deprived. So Brynn starts saying random words and I was a little confused because I wasn't sure when she was going to stop. Well it got quiet and I thought I should probably say a random word back to make the whole thing complete. The first word that came to mind happened to be tomato...yeah I don't know. SO I say that to Brynn, who thought that was absolutely hilarious. We couldn't stop laughing.

Yesterday(the day after this tomato incident), Brynn and I decided to start a quote wall in our room. We thought tomato was worthy of going on the wall. I was writing a quote Brynn said and she was writing tomato. It looked stupid according to her, and she had to re-do it like 5 times. Finally she decided that one of them was good enough. I looked at it and told her that tomato had an E at the end. She took my word for it and started over again. Well as it would turn out tomato doesn't have an E. I still think that it should. It just doesn't look right without it. So now I am the idiot in all of this even though Brynn had to make the tomato sign 6 times.